Fear: part two

During the last two marriage counseling sessions, I've started to cry.

Now, let me tell you a few things about me and crying:

1. I don't like crying in front of people.
2. Sometimes I cry for no apparent reason.  I attribute this to part of being a girl.
3. I sometimes can't stop the tears from coming when I talk to people about personal things.

Mat has learned these things about me.  There have been a number of times I've started crying in front of him, involuntarily.  Sometimes, it's because I'm upset, sometimes it's because of what we are talking about, and sometimes it's seemingly pointless.  But, even though I don't like the fact that I cry, he assures me that it's ok, and that he can handle me crying.

So, when I started crying at counseling, I don't think it surprised him or bothered him.  He knew that I sometimes do that, and he knew that when I said I was fine, I meant it.

Bill, our counselor, wasn't as convinced, I think, so I took it upon myself to do some explaining.  I told him that sometimes I cry when I talk about personal things.  In fact, I had even started crying in my boss's office once (super embarrassing, btw).  I told him I really was fine, and Mat even backed me up.

As we were getting ready to leave, Bill said something that stuck with me.  He said, "Sarah, I think you should look into your crying.  I think it's associated with a fear.  You should find out what that fear is and release it, because Jesus calls us to live without fear."

Umm...what?  That statement really hit me.  I didn't have to think about it much to agree that crying was probably related to a fear.  I knew that if I thought about it, I could figure out what it was.  I don't always cry when talking about personal things, and although I couldn't put words to it, I knew there was a very specific situation in which I would start crying.

While I knew he was right, I didn't spend a lot of time investing in figuring it out.  Another example of fear coming up as a topic and me saying, "I'll think about you later."

One day about a week and a half later, I did start thinking about it on my way to school.  I usually spend that time without a radio, and either pray or try to listen to God speak to me.  I ended up trying to evaluate my crying and my fear.  I think I had a revelation that morning, and I had an understanding of what my fear is.  I still can't quite put it into words, but I think I have a more solid understanding of it myself.

This isn't quite right, but here's my best description:  I'm afraid of how people will understand me.

I fear that they won't "get" me, or that they won't understand my actions and my thoughts, and I won't be able to explain myself.

Or, I fear that I'm wrong, and that something I've been trying to do or put a lot of effort into is completely off target.

I still want to investigate these fears, and nail them down a little bit more.  But even before I'm done with that, I want to purposefully let go of them.  After all, Jesus calls me to a life without fear.  How do I go about doing that?